Alasdair Gray: MIDGIEBURGERS

Alasdair Gray: MIDGIEBURGERS

Today's Journal

Well, kinda a standard day: I forgot it was a 3 day weekend and that today was Wed. not Tues. so that fucked up the recycling. Ah well. Gathered up the misc. recyclables and put them in the bin so they'll go next week.

Took all pills on time. Felt kinda odd around 6:00pm.

A drop of the creatur' to end the day. Back and sides finger knee all still hurt. Movement pretty messed up. Dirthead called: he was concerned that the last time we got together I looked at my most depressed. I don't remember the meeting, but it was just after the cop beating etc. so I probably was a little shitty looking. He hurt himself over the weekend doing something for his in-laws.

The pig* was pretty pleasant--I guess the painters are done for the month... I miss my music. I have 6,000 songs on iTunes but that's maybe a tenth of my CD collection.

We need a new edit for FJ, need to talk to Kisses about that. We need to put the "Fuck" to bed once and for all.

G'night...

Latest and not greatest

Been feeling kinda ugh all week, tired, mentally fucked up. Major panic attack on Thursday at meeting, had to step out. Things off with B. Been calling to no effect. Not sure what is going on. Spent all day in bed yesterday doing nothing. Would have done the same today, but pulled myself up. Head aches constantly. Thoughts of mutilation again while washing up knives. Not great.

What the fu...

Everyone at the meeting today was in a tired, gloomy mood. No idea why, just was. Walked home (with me snouts), did some computer stuff, put on coffee, and just felt like I had to go to bed, which I did. Promptly fell into what felt more like a coma than sleep for four hours and could barely stand up when I was shaken awake. Ick. Nothing special done with meds or anything, so it's not that

Dropping like flies

Sadly, the rehab is getting back a lot of folks who were there during my internment: Mck, Gar, Matt, Big Fat Chris, Rob, I think there were others. Matt is esp. bad as it pretty much means he's off to the big house. Damn. And a lot of them I'd have put in front of me in terms of likely success.

For me? Today I got the blues. Still on pills. tempted to unilatarily double my doses of lexapro and wellbutin, but I don't know if that would help. The seroquel seems to be working pretty well.

S is thinking of leaving: actually, SS homes have pretty much said they've done all they can for him, go back to LA, go into outpatient treatment. I'm no doctor, but I can just tell that's not going to work. But I don't know what would either. And he's right: this is all too expensive (he's dropped $80k so far) I wish I could help him, but... Fuck.

Odd things...

Maybe it was the 70 minute walk back from the meeting, but I ended up feeling like crap. Almost vomity. Not good. Still, got more Lexapro from the nice folks at Walgreens, though they charged me double for it. Hmm. xanax melts better on the tongue with a little water. Anyway, the feeling past, all is good. Goodish.

xanax: your happy holiday pal!

I must admit, I am liking the xanax--it works very subtly but nicely. Basically, things that would normally cause anxiety become totally manageable. All the physical effects (well, most) are gone, and mentally it's just like there's nothing negative going on. I took two yesterday to get through the 14 foot xmas tree building and decorating and felt fine.

Scheduling drugs remains an issue: three times a day just doesn't work for me. And some things should be three times a day during waking hours, others not so. Then there's the two in the morning, one in the afternoon: why don't I just take that one at a time with my three times daily other pill? How much does it matter, really? My one a days, should I take them all at once in the morning, or take one in AM, another with the second round, and the Seroquel at bedtime? I need to figure this all out.

Alright

official word: xanax is kicking my ass. Totally non-comp today. Gonna try to nap it off till 5:00pm or I die, whichever comes first. Pain.

The review got moved, it's going to be an edit instead, new url to follow...

New on Fat Jerry

A rather long review of Jarvis Cocker's solo album.

http://www.fatjerry.com/index.php/site/comments/review_jarvis_cocker_jarvis_incomplete_no_pushee/

better living through... more drugs?

Went to the psych yesterday, he's added a prescription for xanax to the current list. Two tabs a day, when I "feel I need them". Per wikipedia, xanax is not a good thing for those with addictive traits (it's addictive)--I don't know at this time if that "just" means I'd need to take a slow decline from it to come off, or if it's open to abuse. My first controlled substance prescription, woo hoo. Fancy.

Started to change my routine and not load up with seven pills all at once in the AM, four at middayish and another six at bedtime and taking two, wait an hour, take another couple, mix the neurontin intake with the anti-deps.

Feeling wise: still cotton headed, still dizzy, sleep comes and goes. headaches are a complete bastard and sunlight is unbearable even with the 16 Ibuprofen. Can't afford a real pain-killer though, which isn't fun. Whatever damage my liver was getting from booze I can't help but think this must be almost as bad. No real desire to drink (the occasional "a beer would be nice", but no "god I must have a drink"). Shakes are getting better I think, but as soon as I notice them, I go to jelly. The xanax apparently will also make me dizzy, stagger, clumsy: so I'll still look like a drunk. Wonderful.

Keep telling myself that this is all for the good and all this crap should go away in time, and the positive effects should kick in in a few weeks. It's just been a hellish time with a new drug per week and dosage changes etc.

On the bright side, Mike's doctor is keeping him on his anti-deps for at least another month. That's good. Ah well.

New Editorial

Latest editorial piece is up on fat jerry:
http://www.fatjerry.com/index.php/site/comments/off_to_the_psychiatrist_with_pictures_see_comments/

Another day...

The good news: the larger doses of Lexapro and Welliwhatever have not kicked my ass as badly as I thought they might. I'm still dizzy, lacking focus, and way overdone on the painkillers, but I'm making it through the day. AA meeting went fine. Got another one scheduled with Mike for tomorrow, so that's all good. Still working out what schedule to take things on.

Journal

Hmm, so you want a journal do you? How I'm doing post-rehab, on drugs? Alright. I can do that. I think.

Se ond psych visit today. Another ten minute deal. The Wellb. went up to 300mgs a day, increased the Lexapro to 30mgs. Want to get the Seroqul increased, been double dosing with it.

Still listless, no focus, very little energy. Aches and pains are being held at bay by lots (and I do mean lots) of Ibuprofen.

Want to write up "Shooting 'Dust'" for FJ. Nervous about meeting B tomorrow.

Another day...

S'anyway I'm in the start-up phase of a major depression. Yeah-me! I hear you cheer. It's odd. I know (now) that I have clinical depression and I'm not just a mopey fuck who likes his old Smiths records way too much. I'm technically and medically fucked up in the head. Other people, in general, don't get this - in turn, I don't get to have that happy-go-lucky, chitty-chitty bang bang general optimisim about things. Somehow, I don't feel like I got the shitty end of the stick on that deal.

It's odd though, to know that what you feel and what you "go through" are not normal. It's akin, I guess, to finding out that everyone else only lives during daylight and has never seen (no pun intended) night. And to me, this is -normal-. This is just shit as it happens. Contemplating the alternative is almost alien, illogical, impossible. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have a serious funk every few months where you just sit in a chair (or couch or on the floor) and think/do nothing 24x7. Or minor versions of the same that incapacitiate you for minutes or maybe hours. This is normality as I know it. And I can't let anyone else know anything of this: it's a landscape too alien and yet too similar to comprehend. "Cathederal" comes to mind. It's as close as I can think of a metaphor.

Anyway, yes, whiney old me, rattling on about myself, whining, boo-hoo poor me. Break out the Mozza Long Players Mavis, I've got some serious moping to do... Ohhh, reel around the fountain, if I had fifteen minutes with you/I'd make a stew, it might be good, but probably not, especially if I used the beef stock, on accident much less pupose. And Porpoises have miserable fucking lives as well, think about that next time you are / queueing up for tickets to a Beck concert. You never get the good seats anyway, so what's the point? Choose drugs.

RIP George, the Best

I never liked footie all that much, but George was always just great. Probably the most emotionaly generous person on the planet, gave joy to millions, he's the Pat Fish of football.

Blah

So someone posted a really long, stupid, spam piece as a comment - and I can't figure out how to delete the MF. And since my eMail address has changed, I didn't see the other comments till I was prompted to go look.

Anyway, the book is now somewhere in a million boxes of stuff, probably snuggling up to my "Will and Grace" DVD's. I'm having some mental/moral issues with writing more of it out: something the writers behind Will and Grace shpuld have had a long time ago. Ah, when I find it, I probably will. Either that or propose it to NBC as a sitcom "So there's this girl, with no arms, and...!" - you can just see the funny a-coming.

Two sides to every house...

I'm figuring out that a lot of what I'm reading as poor spelling is actually more a form of shorthand. I'll go ahead and expand what I can figure out.

There's no indication of where this T-House was. It appears it was originally a home for retired miners that ran out of funds and was sold to the trust very cheaply. Anyway, on with the show:

"There's two houses in the big hoose - one fur the boys and one fur us. But it's just the one hoose. They try to keep us apart, but canny. Wee Jennty is alwies wi the boys. The teachers'll gee her a doin' (beat her up - ed.) when they find oot, but she doesn'y seem to care."

"We went tae the village today, three of us and Miss H. - she's a soor faced bitch if evar. People stared at us, as all. I stared back. Freaks."

"Me Diary"

My foot still hurts. Just to keep you informed.

But more interestingly, I was sent a gift by my mothers cousin, who is a junk whore and attends house sales almost every day. She remembered a conversation we had about thalidomide (for those who don't know: A sedative and hypnotic drug, C13H10N2O4, withdrawn from general use after it was found to cause severe birth defects when taken during pregnancy. It is sometimes prescribed to treat leprosy. - thank you dictionary.com). Thalidomide was very commonly prescribed in the UK, and while most victims were aborted, still born, or given a merciful death post birth by their doctors others were "viable" and remained alive.

The most common issue with male victims was extreme shortening of the arm, and the lack of an albow joint. Commonly, and crassly, these were referred to as "flipper babies". For females, the most common (in surviving cases) anomaly was absence of arms entirely.

Often, at birth, the parents (strung out on Thal, obviously) agreed to accept the child, only to realise later that they would never be able to deal with the challenges of such a sadly disabled child. Public support founded charity efforts to set up orphanages for the returned kids.

Anyway, the item sent to me is a diary, apparently kept for three to four years by a thalidomide girl in one such "orphanage". It's very, very poorly written (makes my spelling look good, if you can imagine!), and totally fascinating. It's titled (as you might have guessed) "me diary".

I'll share bits and pieces as I read them, right now this is my favourite:

"the scool has loads of teachers - some come for weeks, some stay for months - but the heed has been here forever. Lily peed herself in class today and Nan (the teacher - ed) sent er to the heed. Lily says the heed says Nan should fuk off and clean it up."

Lizzy (the author) is armless, and writes using a pencil held in her mouth. Apparently this is the most common method of writing, with only a few girls using foot writing (and most abstaining altogether, which I can totally understand).

I hurt my foot

Stupidly. Very stupidly. I was sitting having lunch at the Duke of Edinburgh (makers of the famed "biggest fucking martini we can make" and my leg went to sleep without my noticing. As I got up to leave, I thought "Oh well, just walk it off." - walking it off appears to have included a few bone fractures here and there, and rather intense ongoing pain. In the absence of bandages, I've strapped it up with a roll of StrapAll, the self binding strap with the unimaginative name! It hurts like (reading) the dickens.

Catch

The wonderful sandpit that is www.catch.com is back online! Rejoice!

Angst!

So, apropos of nothing, I had a couple of things that really pissed me off on my recent trip. Please feel free to ignore this if you don't care (and heck knows, you have no reason to).

- on the plane out, I watched "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" - it was the most awful, useless, pointless movie I've seen in a long time. Sure, the design was good and the kinda black and white but not film processing was clever, but nothing else worked. I wanted each and every one of the main characters to die. Whoever greenlighted this crap should be forced to watch four episodes of "Everybody Loves Raymond" back to back.

- so move to the "comedy" channel on the plane - guess what? Four episodes of "Everybody Loves Raymond", back to back. I've only ever flipped past this show in the, err, past and it looked like typical entry level sitcom stuff. It's not. It's awful. Every episode has one "joke" in it (much like a Shakespearean comedy) and a retinue of the same gags told time after time after time --- let me be clear here, everyone does -not- love Raymond.

- you don't get free booze on transatlantic flights anymore? Who fucked that gig up?

- on landing, I start down the A77 from Glasgow to Ayr. This used to be a simple dual carriageway affair that did have issues at rush hour and so on, but overall coped OK. It's about a 40 mile drive. Now, however, it's a 40 mile drive consisting of 60% "road renewal" works, with 40 MPH speed limits. Why? Well, road maintenance was outsourced, so now private companies are handling that task - at a "cost plus" ratio. So now most of the trip is single lane, 40 MPH, with police speed checks at each half mile because the way these "improvements" are being paid for is by over zealous speed ticketing. Oh, and why is it all 40 MPH? Because the labourors who knew what the fuck they were doing were let go, and the new Job Centre/Minimum Wage retards don't know that stepping in front of a moving vehicle is "not a good idea".

They estimate they'll be done with this in 2007. I'm done with them already. Did I point out that the local government bodies who used to carry out this work were barred from bidding on it as they had "too much inside knowledge" (aka, they knew what the fuck to do)?

Anyway, time passes, flight comes back, sitting on the plane. Tannoy announcement: "Please note that the entertainment offered today will be the Chicago to Heathrow selection, not the Heathrow to Chicago listing in the on flight magazine." - so it's fucking "Sky Captain" and the same Raymond episodes all over again (Don't you just love that one where his mother makes the sculptor of a cunt?) - it's a good thing us non-citizens don't get to have firearms, let me tell you.

OK, now you've made me cry...

I'm doin' this stupid fiorewall setup thing for a local small ass company and we set up part of it today --- it -totally- fucked up. In "post mortem" I find out that while they -are- combining their two "co-location" facilities into one, they are -not- combining their IP addresses (if you are bored at this point, please leave - it doesn't get any more interesting/exciting/anything). Now here's the deal: a basic firewall (such as we're using here) isn't going to "like" being an interface to three different networks --- and even though the hardware we're using can "technically" do this, it's a really bad idea and, oh, it means I need to rebuild the config from scratch. Another two weeks -pissed away-. Me? Happy camper? No...

Idea Gestation

In the UK, public broadcasters have to provide a certain number of hours of childrens, educational, and news programming. As I lay awake last night (god bless insomnia) I was wondering if this could be adapted to the point where a station is making a really awful "Edu-tainment" show, just to fill it's license requirements. Live crew, taped segments - say a typical topic would be "Sand, Gravel, Rock - Seeing the Differences". Deliberately poor, with a mixture of real and fake guests, and a standing cast of three to five people as presenters... I made up around ten segments last night/this morning, and I can remember a few of them now. Worth working on.

Happy New Year

Dan is back!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/arts/reviews/story/0,11712,1372915,00.html

Closing Time

The local rag reports that the chinese restaurant near by has been closed on numerous health issues --- I feel so good that I ate there a week back... Ick...

Birthday Schmistday

Well, I got one good gift for my birthday and a lot of crap (thanks Lady P for the good one, sorry I didn't notice it sooner - I was very, very drunk). But it's not about the gifts, it's about the love. It could also be about a piss poor meal at an overcrowded Tied House - I've never wanted to be somewhere less. They were totally understaffed and the crap that the wait staff were having to put up with was just icky. Hated it mainly out of sympathy for them.

Pointless little post, no?

The routine

So I was trying to come up with a new "piece" for the little stand-up gig, and I (somehow) ended up focusing on Aliester Crowley (sp on both, see what an expert I am?) - back in my youth, I read a lot of stuff about him, and some of his "automatic writings", and read the whole "Golden Dawn System of Magick" - I can now, with hindsight, sat it was all BS.

Crowley though himself to be the great beast, and the end of the world --- not just a simple fuckwit with bad hair. He "discovered" how he could "celebrate the dark gods" via masturbation. He created a tarot deck that was kinda cool, but very much a rip off of the (damn I forget now, must research more) deck. Anyway.

So the comedy idea is "Home for the Holidays, with AC". It involves all the expected puns and cheap jokes - but they all depend upon the aud knowing something about this guy and his sick life. (Did you know he was on the cover of Sgt. Pepper? I did).

A few tests with the online aud didn't go well. No idea who the guy was, couldn't spell "cabbala" to save themselves. Thought "Golden Dawn" was a star of salacious motion pictures. Byork. I've got a full 20 minutes about this byork and I can't use it because my audience is culturally lacking.

OK, so I was thinking I could handle this in one of these ways:

- write it as a play, with parts for mother, father and myself. Give the mother and father parts to members of the aud (Liz and James, most likely) and prompt them when to read a line. Good because it involves the aud, bad because it's difficult and hecklers can't annunciate at all well. Plus complex, I'd have to keep closer track than usual of the dialog.

- write it as a story instead, and send it out for multiple rejection letters (since eds also have no idea who AC is)

- write it as a musical! Err, no, scratch that.

- hand out a little bio beforehand, so people know of which I speech. Seems like a good idea, but in reality no-one would read it.

- do an intro. Give a brief, five minute bio of Crowley - done seriously - before the gag act. Hope that this is enough.

I'm going to go with the last of these, hopefully with a wall-projection of images. My only issue is how do I make sure the aud knows this -is- real, and not made up BS? Still working on that one.

What's that you say?

You don't like my idea, but you want a "respin"? OK, I'll do it, if I must...

So here's what we had as a story "arc":

Episode 1: a mix of a bad sitcom with a "behind the scenes" documentary. The "cast" get big laffs on screen (mainly canned), and off screen think that they -are- the show. United, the stand for higher salaries, and writing control. Typically despicable over achieved actors. One wants to write, another to direct, blah blah blah. Try to make they somewhat sympathetic. In our last five minutes we wipe them all out. Deader than dead. In a vile fashion. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Episode 2: aftermath (deliberate play on the wholly awful "After M*A*S*H") --- how this is cast depends upon how we kill them off, I'm a big fan of having a plane crash into the studio, but apparently that's what turned a lot of people off. My idea was to have the crash survivors take over the show. I know it's dumb, a little too much like SOAP, but I think it could work. The show's sponsor demands the show continues. After all, the new publicity is doing so well for ratings on the syndication side... We get a new cast. I'd like to have this cast know, somehow, that they will eventually die too --- not be killed off fictionally, actually die as part of the show. Open casting, use a mix of "real" people and actors. We end up with a new crew selected.

Episode 3: backlash (not a play on anything) Joe Public revolts! They miss the old crew! They want their old friends back! They don't accept that the poor schmucks are dead! A suicide bomber takes out about 2/3rds of the new cast! What do you mean, lose the suicide bomber? That's all that episode 3 is! Can I make it a sniper then (no snipers are allowed in comedy TV). Fuck hollywood, I'll film in India and screw you guys.

Episode 4: rebuilding. The public mourns the deaths of the actors and their personas, firmly locked into disagreement over whether the original series or the second crew were better (can we get some cameos from Star Trek here?) --- rioting breaks out, and peace only is ensued when it turns out that one member of the original staff did survive! But who? Tune in next week! More casting, the casting session is a little like a parody of American Idol, so we get sued. Breaking the "forth wall" our characters plead for money to stave off legal action and ask if people can please try not to kill them. No-one dies in this episode.

Episode 5: relaunch! Our whacky crew get chosen to be part of the first community to live underwater! All take turns holding their breath for "practice"! Dispute in the background by the writers that this is "the dumbest idea ever". We lose a character who holds his breath too long. We say the "f" word. FCC sues show. Break the forth wall again. Explain to the aud what the forth wall is and that we think it should be broken and that we're not, actually, just copying "Moonlighting" - really, we're not. Last ten minutes of show are a condensed version of "Moonlighting". Teaser at end: who survived?

Episode 6: revelation. The original corporate sponsor is linked to the suicide bomber! Shock and awe! The show is cut loose, anchor-less, drifting --- until a christian broadcasting company (CBC!) picks up the funding and the drug-addled, whore-mongering cast members get some new "guidelines" to work from. Pope guest stars and actually converts one of our folks to his side. I want to have the Pope walk in on a scene of implied animal buggery and have a heart attack - but will those network tight asses let me? Oh no! Not -only- no Pope, also no animal abuse. I really wanted this show to end with "The NSPCA monitored all animal participants, and no animal was hurt or abused during the making of this show. Animals were hurt and abused in the making of "Hart to Hart", season three of "Frasier", and most every season of "Happy Days".". I think that's funny shit!

So that's our first "arc" as I had it outlined. We end on the cliffhanger of, with the Pope dead, will CBC renew the show? I know reading this synopsis it "doesn't seem all that funny" --- and to an extent it's not, it's an investigation into what is "funny" and what is "in poor taste". Ideas are welcome but note that they will become -my- ideas and I'll never acknowledge your input ("What, they posted it on a "bulletin board" on the "internets" Conan? I'll tell -you- what I'd put a "bullet in"! Ha ha ha ha ha!").

Over

After some deliberation, I've decided to cut the cord on this (again). I'll leave this online for now, but no updates. Peace out y'all.

Bring on the new

Imagine, if you will, a sit com that's now run for three seasons and is fading fast --- once upbeat and "dangerous" it's now flabby and insipid. The cast want million dollar per episode salaries, their PR folks want to make sure they have a future earning potential. Ladies and gents, our new proposal to hollywood which includes most of the jokes we made up for that deadbeat is "SitCom" - a behind the scenes look at things you didn't want to see.

Pitch it, boyoh!

Moider today in the trailer park...

One of my neighbors went apeshit and plugged another one of my neighbors (a family member). About 1,000 cops appeared within 15 minutes or so. Arrr... Can someone please teach cops how to park so I can still get out of my driveway?

as seen at www.catch.com...

Not being a news junkie (or even a part time news follower, really) the first I heard of the attack was when I got into work that morning. A co-worker who basically cannot speak without trying to make a bad pun made some "joke" about the "crashes on Wall Street". I just couldn't understand wtf he was talking about until I got to my desk and was able to see the coverage.

Our CEO had already sent out a message that, basically, this was not a day to be at work --- so after calling the few people I knew in NY to make sure they were OK I started calling employees and letting them know that coming in to the office was optional, and offering whatever assistance they might need.

My first trip outside the UK was to New York, I met my first wife and we got married there. It's one of the most wonderful cities I've ever seen (yeah, yeah - I've not seen many, shut up). The attacks were shocking, awful, repellent.

That said, I grew up in a country where "terrorist" attacks were common if not quite everyday (hell, I almost had a small role in a movie about the infamous horse guard bombing) - so I don't think I was quite as "How could this ever happen here?" as most folks were. I was somewhat stunned by the immediate need to "strike back" at someone - anyone - as some form of cathartic process.

Watching later the "shock and awe" of Iraq I felt ashamed - a bully who couldn't stand up to his real enemy was instead turning his ire on a defenseless, mostly innocent population.

I didn't lose anyone I knew in the twin towers attack, I didn't lose anyone I knew in Iraq, I didn't know any of the troops we've lost there. I miss them all like a lead weight in my soul.